How can we expand our definition of identity?

Last week, I had the opportunity to dive into the topic of identity in conversation with my former colleague and fellow coach, Iulia Oprea. In recognition of International Coaching Week, we opted to record some live conversations (watch them here) on the topics of self-awareness and self-regulation, which are two of Daniel Goleman’s five cornerstones of emotional intelligence. 

My own prior experiences of unemployment helped open the question for me of “who am I when I’m not working, when I’m not occupied, when I’m not being compensated for what I do?”. Most of us move from decades of being conditioned and rewarded with grades and recognition for giving the right answers to decades of being rewarded with money and achievement for contributing to the world with our time. Call it a profession. Call it a career. For many of us – statistics suggest as high as 75-80% in the United States – our work becomes our identity.

Writer Elizabeth Gilbert has further provoked my curiosity with her distinction between hobbies, jobs, careers, and vocations. Of these, she says, a job is the only one we are obliged to have. The rest? Optional.

Yet, if you only have a job, and no hobbies and no sense of higher calling or purpose, might you be at more risk of enmeshment, when your sense of self becomes attached to what you do? 

Another creative recently posed the question: “If you were to introduce yourself to me without mentioning your occupation, where you’re from, your ethnicity, your nationality, where you grew up, what your hobbies are, what your religion is… how would you describe yourself to me?”

I’ll give you a moment. (Silence is one of the best and rare gifts of life and of coaching.)

It’s okay to not know.

I told the audience I like to think of myself as a human breathing.

The day after my conversation with Iulia, I stepped into a research interview, and the interviewer started by asking me the classic: “Tell me about yourself.” I laughed, and told her how big this question felt in light of my introspection. 

And still, I tried to answer, because trying is how we grow and learn.

And What Else:

Explore these questions, and embrace the challenge to dig deeper, asking what else might be relevant to answer. 

• Honor Yourself: ”What are you learning to experience in your free time?”
• Explore Curiously: “What hats could you imagine yourself wearing in retirement?”
• Foster Trust: “What wish has come true for you this year?”
• Shift Perspectives: “What do you often believe about yourself that may or may not be true?”
• Clarify Decisions: “What aspects of yourself would you like to stretch or challenge?”
• Empower Action: “If you had 10 minutes a day to learn something new, where would you start?”

Nuggets of Work-Life

Every coaching session and workshop closes with acknowledging learnings, insights, and moments of celebration. Here are a few of my recent nuggets:

• Alongside the global coaching week, May is also Mental Health Awareness Month in the United States. Mental health is a vast spectrum, some of which my work touches, and much of which I’m not trained for. Nevertheless, I’ve benefitted from Mental Health First Aid training, which I’d highly encourage others to explore global and local options.
• Clients have recently reflected on the value of my coaching pulling from diverse methods and perspectives, which I continue to expand:
  • “The focus areas I brought in evolved over time, but Stephen always found a way to draw out useful insights, themes, and takeaways. It is clear he has devoted himself to building up depth and breadth as a coach, and he always seemed to have a tool, framework, or method handy to fit with the questions, goals, and issues I raised.”
  • “The many questions and tools gave much food for thought around career preferences and goals.”
• In my other role as “coach,” some friends and I created our own running club. All of us achieved our goals in a recent local race, and I got to hear my name announced in Berlin’s Olympic Stadium as I crossed the finish line. Talk about an endorphin rush!

• Although new clients are always welcome to reach out, I always encourage them to talk to several coaches before making a decision. It’s important to me that clients find the right match and not just the first coach they know, if that’s me. And when they choose not to work with me, I really cheer for that decision, too!

Practice Makes … Space for More Practice

• A pastime: The sun is moving slowly higher, and the grass seems to be full of all kinds of voluntary non-grass friends. Taking the time to sit and pick through the weeds and non-weeds has been a really grounding experience, perhaps both literally and figuratively. Go sit or lay in the grass, if you can.
• A recipe: If you follow me on Instagram, you may have noticed an uptick in sharing, particularly photos of bread. My sourdough, named Proud Mary, is now a year old, and I’ve particularly taken to this super simple pizza dough recipe. 500 g pizza flour, 350 g water, 100 g starter, and 10 g salt. Mix and store 6+ hours at room temperature, then 6+ hours in the refrigerator. Return to room temperature 1 hour before baking. Makes 2 large pizzas.
• A movement: (this one is more a mental shift than a physical movement) my colleagues at Caveday shared a fascinating list of executive functioning hacks, and I’m particularly in love with the idea to from a to-do list to a ta-da list, focusing on acknowledging what’s done rather than what’s lingering.

Ways to Engage and Support

I’m exploring expanding my offerings beyond facilitating workshops and coaching. If I offered free coaching resources (worksheets, a monthly group call), I’d like to know: what topics would you be curious to explore?

In joy,
Stephen